Dis-Connection and control are were at the root of my anxiety and depression; to put it another way, I lost myself (depression) and felt that my life was out of my control (anxiety).
I tried to find control by overthinking, hyper vigilance, staying informed, being constantly alert, active, busy; trying to control the people around me.
I tried to find connection but my inner voice was drowned out by the mental chatter. Trying to think my way through; trying to juggling so many balls to keep everything stable, in harmony, but slowly loosing myself in the doing. Always doing, doing, doing … not being … not present …. lost. My mind always elsewhere.
Growing up my experience of the external world was overwhelming. There was a lot of things that were frightening and over which, as a child, I had no control. My dysfunctional family had no healthy boundaries; the adults around me were out of control. It left me feeling enmeshed, isolated, disconnected, unsafe. Unsafe in the world and unsafe in my own body.
My only control was over my inner world, so I would dissociate as a way to cope. It was quite effective when I was a child; it became a problem as an adult. I would become triggered by the slightest perceived threat, real or otherwise, and my cognitive function would shutdown. It wasn’t apparent to anyone else, I would appear to be fine, but on the inside I was not ok. Fear, panic, anxiety, depression.
I became disconnected from myself, from my inner guidance. I could no longer trust myself. In my chronic fear and overwhelm I abandoned myself; with my denial and avoidance I betrayed myself. I hit rock bottom. STOP.
How can I feel safe in the world? How can I trust myself? How can I feel connected with myself, and hear my intuition? How can I feel in control???…
BOUNDARIES!
Of course! It makes total sense, and I love it when things make sense. I make sense. 💛
When I stick to my own boundaries, and pay attention to my actions, then I can feel safe in the world. It’s a basic choice. I need to be present to make the right choice. Be aware and present and not fall back into the trap, the viscous cycle.
Im putting my boundaries down in writing to hold myself accountable:
- Daily practices of yoga, meditation, journaling, blogging help to keep me grounded.
- Eating regularly. When fear and anxiety overwhelm me, when I feel hopeless, it’s hard to pay attention to my body’s signals of hunger and exhaustion and pain.
- Sticking to proper sleep hygiene. I abandon myself when I stay up too late and deny myself the sleep that my body needs.
- Manage my time on electronics and social media. This is what I turn to when I’m overwhelmed and seek numbness.
As long as I maintain these boundaries, I know that I can trust myself, and can feel safe in the world. No need to over think, to over analyze, to be over informed, to be hyper vigilant, to be constantly active and productive. Less anxiety. Less depression.
Boundaries aren’t something to think; boundaries are something to do. To enforce. To apply, improve, update, maintain, adhere to, follow, respect. They are love 💛
Boundaries are a way to be.
To be still. To be safe. To be at peace. To be fully present 🌻
To The Core 