Had I written this post over 10 years ago, I probably would have said that my childhood was a happy one. I grew up in the country, surrounded by nature, and spent much of my time playing outside with my sisters.
Had I written this post 5 years ago, I might have mentioned that mum had depression and then died of cancer. Perhaps I would have said that dad had a bit of an anger management issue but thankfully died just before my first baby was born. I would probably have mentioned the church and an all-girls convent school. I would definitely have talked about my sisters and how close we all are; united by shared experiences but divided by our unique pain and perspectives.
Had I written this post 3 years ago, I would have ruminated about narcissism, coercive control, abandonment, anxiety, depression. I was descending into a really dark time, of fear and confusion. My trust in others, and in myself, in tatters. I felt lost and alone; so caught up in the busyness that I had lost sight of myself.
I don’t think I could have written anything 2 years ago. The darkness had consumed me; I could see no future, no way out. Suicidal ideation. Trapped and invisible. Running on empty with nowhere to turn.
If I had written a post this time last year, I would have talked of severe anxiety, panic attacks, high functioning depression, insomnia, ptsd. I was barely surviving. Hyper-vigilant. My weight had dropped significantly, and my hair was falling out. I felt scared and vulnerable, and hopeless and helpless and useless. Burnt out and broken.
How far I have come in a year. 💛
This has been a year of ‘doing the work’. No more avoidance and denial of the emotional, physical and sexual abuse of my childhood. I’ve taken a deep dive until I eventually found Me!
It started with pharmaceuticals, but then veered into crystals and energy healing. Daily yoga and journaling. Keeping one small promise to myself each day to rebuild trust in myself.
I started to educate myself. Learning all I could about trauma, about CPTSD, dissociation, narcissism, covert incest, highly sensitive people, boundaries, somatic experiencing, breath work, grounding techniques and energy. I designed a unalome tattoo and got inked on my back to help move energy.
I researched my family tree and explored family constellations, to heal the generational trauma. I learnt about chakras, auras, hara line and started meditating every day. I uncovered my archetypes and worked at decoding my life purpose.
I found soul connection.
I found gratitude for my emotional body, my mental body, my spiritual body and physical body.
I started loving myself again.
I’ve worked hard and feel so proud of myself for how far I have come in releasing the past and looking forward to the future, with my feet firmly planted in the present.
One day at a time. Here. Now 🌻
To The Core 