I’ve lost my voice.
It didn’t just suddenly disappear. It was silenced, many decades ago, by fear. Held prisoner in a cage, the bars woven from his anger, his control. Only allowed out to play the role of the dutiful, obedient, strong, clever son that only existed in his head.
But the prison of long ago is still there.
For decades it faded into the mist; opaque. Just the ghost of a painful past that I thought I’d outgrown, outrun; that with time and distance I had escaped. Dead.
But then the past showed up in my present. And it took hold. And the prison walls crept up, took form, became solid. The bars trapped me so tightly that I couldn’t breathe.
Now, I know.
I know how that prison was made, who built it, and why.
Silenced.
Be quiet.
Don’t tell.
Invisible. Secrets.
Darkness. Fear.
He took my voice. Fear prevented me from speaking out. Dutiful; obedient.
I stayed trapped in that cage. And didn’t even know it. I stayed, even though I held the key. Denial.
He even called me ‘keeper of the keys’!
I have the key; I’ve had it all along, but am I brave enough to use it?
How to find voice.
How to tell the fear.
How to speak when the words are all stuck in my head; trapped by the emotions lodged in my throat.
How to find Voice.
How to find Safety.
Connection. Trust. Love.🧡
This Is MY Voice.
It’s here in the anonymous that I can hide in plain sight and speak my truth, for I know my truth now.
It’s stored in the silent screams in my head. It’s stored in the tension in my jaw, the pain in my body. It’s stored in the nightmares that torment my sleep.
Its there in plain sight.
It’s there for me to uncover, explore, acknowledge; follow the clues, solve the mystery that is already known to me.
I know. 🌻
To The Core 