How are you?

The simple, autopilot answer would be, “I’m fine thanks, how are you?”

“Fan-flipping-tastic!”, would be my go-to sarcastic, defensive response.

The more honest answer would be, “I’m surviving.”

No doubt said with a rueful smile to show that really I’m ok, but have no desire to pursue that avenue of conversation any further.

A simple, (and slightly more) honest answer might be, “I’m tired and depressed.”

The complicated, but truly trying-to-be-honest, answer would be closer to, “I’m exhausted & sad & overwhelmed & anxious & indecisive & confused & distressed & angry & frustrated & verging on numbness.” But who wants to hear that!

You have no idea how hard it can be for me to identify how I’m feeling.
Mad, bad, sad, glad. Start with the simple stuff so it doesn’t get too overwhelming.

I’m only just realizing how much fear and shame is attached to even having emotions and having needs. I deny them for my own safety; my ego protects me from the things that could cause me irreparable harm.

Most of the time I’m not entirely sure how I feel. I guess numb would be the closest word that comes to mind. I’ve lived my whole life in that place of overwhelm, that I really truly didn’t even know it. Normalized. Denial.

Before I could manage my emotions, I had to accept my emotions. Before acceptance, I had to identify my emotions. Before identifying, I had to acknowledge my emotions. Before acknowledgment, I had to be honest with myself. And that took work. — Learning to manage emotions takes work

Unless they’re on the happy side of the equation, emotions are not safe. Anything that draws attention to me is dangerous. That’s the lesson that was etched into my body growing up in an abusive environment.

Nothing to see here. Run. Hide. Hold it in until I’m alone, where no one can see me. That’s when it’s safe to let it out.

When alls said and done, I’ve learnt to ditch the old formalities of “how are you?”, and instead I say, with sincerity, “how lovely to see you!” 🌻